Honesty.

I have only been married 8 months. I know many more have wealths of experience in comparison to my marriage but I believe that there are timeless principles in marriage that apply to all. Every marriage is different yet every functioning marriage works the same. One of the first and most important principles is that of honesty.

I have worked in the field of mental health for nearly five years. I started as a residential treatment center called Maple Lake Academy. I worked as a mentoring staff. My job was to build healthy, long term reciprocal relationships with the students I was assigned to. That is easier said than done. I worked at the girls school, as one of three male staff. Most of the adolescent girls had poor experiences with males- siblings, boyfriends, fathers- many of which manipulated, used and abused. I learned early on that I would be one of the first safe male relationships these girls would experience, and I took that very seriously. I wanted them to use our relationship as a basis for future friendships and relationships. The thing I learned was, most of these girls had been in treatment centers for years. They had met dozens of staff who were “here to help!” It didn’t take long to sort out the few who actually meant it. The quickest way to show the girls I cared for them and could be trusted was by being honest.

When someone says we need to be honest it has many meanings. Some of us think about returning a stolen candy bar to the store; some think about telling the truth and George Washington’s cherry tree, or Honest Abe Lincoln. For the girls I worked with, being honest meant being myself- the good and the bad. They knew if I was giving false praise or if I wasn’t really listening. When I let others see me at my best and in my weakness I could earn their trust.

My story wasn’t about marriage, but it is about relationships. All relationships have the same principles- friends, romances, family- they all require the same sort of effort. I met my wife, Stacey at the residential treatment center I worked at. I had dated a number of people before I met her. Something different about Stacey was that she had seen me at work. The nature of residential treatment means that staff are stressed, exhausted, annoyed, tired (did I say that twice?) and as hard as we try we cannot always be at our best. When Stacey and I started dating I knew that she liked me regardless of my obvious weaknesses. She had seen me at my best and worst and still chose to date me.

Within a marriage, we have to let our partners see every side of us, preferably before we get married! We all have significant weaknesses and struggles; weird obsessions, OCD-like tendencies and idiosyncrasies. If we love others, we automatically acknowledge and accept that they are not perfect. We need to be kinder to ourselves and expect our significant others to extend the same tenant. I know that I am much more judgmental and critical of myself than my wife has ever been or ever will be.

Let’s show our weaknesses! I’ll start.

I sometimes swear when I feel strong emotions. I become infuriated in traffic, particularly behind Subarus and Prius’. I am extremely controlling and territorial of the kitchen in our home- my wife is sometimes hesitant to enter when I am cooking. I struggle with depression and anxiety disorders, and struggle with an addiction to pornography. I really enjoy buying new, fun, expensive toys and have a hard time exercising delayed gratification.

The most amazing thing to me, is that despite all of my weaknesses (which I only named a few) my wife also sees my strengths, forgives me of my mistakes, offers unconditional support in all of those areas and loves me. My wife shares her weaknesses with me and is very honest. I try to love, support and understand her as well, and we’re doing great.